Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
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[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself