He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
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I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.