Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
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A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon