Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
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*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes