If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
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We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle