Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
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My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
What number SPF blocks people?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If a snake ate a cake
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.