Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
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Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Terribly Tuesday.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Dune (2021)
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.