Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
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I don’t know what to do
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
*puts words between two asterisks*
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool