Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
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People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
A leaf blower, but for people.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.