Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
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Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
When you let grandma cat sit
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*