Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
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I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
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/Expectation:
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.