Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
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Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
any last words?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.