Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
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Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
want me to check your oil?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Meow
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes