Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
You Might Also Like
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”