You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
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I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u