me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
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I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
This is my emotional support knife.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.