“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
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Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
first you must answer his riddles
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg