Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
You Might Also Like
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.