“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
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Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]