Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
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HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Bobby pin
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell