This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
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A roof is a house hat.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.