The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
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I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.