Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
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me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Cardio Made Easy
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Gemma Correll
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!