Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
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Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.