*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
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9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
first you must answer his riddles
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.