The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Good boy 😂😂
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.