Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
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son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this