[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
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H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
God has abandoned us.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi