How many games did you play already?š
#chessmeme
You Might Also Like
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. Thereās a lovely key change at the end.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My 4yo niece: āYouāre fatā
Me: āSanta diedā
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Canāt talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Instead of saying āIāll use the wheelchair ramp,ā I like to say āIām hitting the slopes.ā
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. Itās crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
āDad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?ā
āIt takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.ā
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: Iāll help you. Iāll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Last semester a student asked me why I hadnāt graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasnāt sure how to proceed.
Student said they didnāt use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
š«
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well letās just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.