Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
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When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose