Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said