Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
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Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
What the hell happened in there??
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.