There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
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I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
@ candidates for local office
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..