are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
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So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
quarantine day 3
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire