Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
You Might Also Like
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”