Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
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Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.