My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
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I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny