old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
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[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another