[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
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“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!