Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
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Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
(Jupiter –
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Nigella has gone too far this time.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
“What?”
– Jude
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
That’s enough internet for the day
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
2022 will be better than 2021
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.