[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
You Might Also Like
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Social Media and Real life