This hospital has everything
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getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.