doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
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Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
The days of good grammer has went
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now