The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
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Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I know this now 😂
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus