I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.