Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
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Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
.. do you even science?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Your secret is safeish with me
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…