“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
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Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.