Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Girl, same.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.