How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
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There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back