This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
You Might Also Like
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
me before I type out affect or effect
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.